I come from a family that’s big and loud and fun and loves to eat and just be together. There’s pretty much a set agenda for every major holiday. For example, Thanksgiving is at Daddy’s house, and there’s always gumbo. Our Christmas routine flip-flops every year. Either we’re at Mommy’s house with fun Christmas Eve games and midnight devotion before everyone gets to open one present, followed by my all-time favorite Christmas Day brunch; or it’s in Toronto where there’s no shortage of every possible staple Jamaican dish and Grandma takes no prisoners with her black cake. New Year’s Eve is spent at church, bringing in the next chapter the only way we know how: expressing our gratitude for our many blessings in the presence of God. And let’s not forget 4th of July. This one’s a little more flexible, but essentially the plan is to grill somewhere, anywhere. And find fireworks afterward.
By contrast, Anthony’s family has a little more of a free-flowing holiday routine. His mom works at the hospital so she’s there most holidays. And since his grandparents moved back to Jamaica, each little family unit kind of does their own thing over the holidays. When we were dating and heading toward engagement, I tried to wrap my head around how this whole balance of traditions thing would work. What I’ve come to learn through marriage is that there are more than two sides to balance… there are three: his, hers, and ours.
Each of us comes from our own family “culture” steeped in routine and tradition as far as the way we do things, including the way we celebrate. But it’s not always as simple as splitting the difference and dividing up the holidays throughout the year. Awhile back I mentioned the need to protect your time as a married couple. Part of this is also establishing and protecting the traditions you as a couple want to maintain as your family grows. You have to balance the influences of your individual families and also make room for new traditions that you can create together. It’s much easier said than done, and we’re surely still figuring this out, but one of our favorite ways to do this is on our birthdays.
Now, birthdays are HUGE in my family. We’re known to have at least 3 different celebrations: the on-your-actual-birthday family dinner, the weekend dinner with everyone, and the lunch-after-church gathering with the other friends who couldn’t make it to dinner over the weekend night. Upon getting married, we had to shake that up a bit. Now, Anthony gets to pick whatever night he wants to take me out, just the two of us. Then and only then mom is allowed to run rampant planning ONE family gathering. Something with us, something with everyone. It’s the perfect compromise, and I love it.
All this to say, marriage doesn’t have to be the death of holidays as you know it! It’s an opportunity to enjoy new experiences and make memories as you figure out what old traditions you want to retain and what new traditions you want to create together. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with the people you love, and have fun with it! It can be difficult to get everyone in one place, that’s true. But in the end, time spent together is never wasted.