Some days, I legit feel like I’m going crazy. It’s a constant battle between being productive, striving to reach the goals I’ve set for myself and my business and sleeping the days away because I really am just that exhausted. It’s hard for me to give myself a break and “take a day off” to just rest even when I know it’s justified. Growing a baby is no easy task, and it takes a toll on your body and energy levels. And your memory. And your work ethic. And your mood. And things you never even thought would be affected, like your intrinsic motivation.
Having a baby is just one of the many things that can will totally readjust our personal priority lists. And the news can come so suddenly that you find yourself treading water before you know it, just trying to stay afloat in the midst of new responsibilities, feelings, abilities and priorities.
My mom has had to sit me down more than once about all this because it was totally wreaking havoc on my brain. Some days it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who is this unmotivated person that could care less about much of anything other than sleep? Where did all this come from? When will I be normal again? Wait, will I ever be normal again? Not even kidding, this is the stuff that goes through my head. And it’s kind of terrifying.
I asked my mom, why can’t I just be a normal person that recognizes this major change and is ok adapting to it?
Her diagnosis: “You’re an overachiever.”
My response: “How do I turn it off?!?”
It never even occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to make a seamless transition into prioritizing my body’s new needs (the ones that totally blindsided me).
Stepping out of myself for a moment, it’s pretty obvious that pregnancy is just one of those major life changes that requires a complete readjustment of one’s approach to productivity. I do understand that these drastic hormone changes have been known to make mommies-to-be a little wacko. But some days it’s all I can do to keep from crying because this is just so not me! It’s hard to reconcile the drive I know I still have in me somewhere with the frustration of not getting anything done because it takes 100% effort just to keep my eyes open, let alone care enough to try to accomplish anything. But that’s the thing: somewhere inside I do care, which is why I get so upset at myself. It’s a crazy cycle, and I want out. So I had to pray about it.
While I used to be able to go all day plowing through tasks, maybe eating, rarely ever stopping to take a nap, that’s simply not my reality right now. And in my heart, I know that’s ok. My brain still needs a little more convincing. So what to do? I’m not sure yet. My prayer now is that God would help me find a new way to apply my drive and ambition that is still sensitive to the demands of my current situation. I think that’s a good prayer for all of us to pray when we find ourselves in new and unfamiliar territory.
I heard my mom say once that the enemy tries to turn our strengths into weaknesses by pushing them farther than they are meant to go. Being goal-driven and ambitious are great qualities, but they have to have their limits; otherwise, we over-exert ourselves and become brutally harsh critics of our progress and start questioning our abilities and doubting our vision. That’s not what God intends for us. He promises peace, grace, and mercy every day we choose to walk with Him. That’s what I want: to follow His path and let Him give me the strength to do it. After all, the best travel companion is the One who knows the route.
God, please show me how to keep the gifts and strengths you’ve given me in check, not letting them become the very things that set me back. Help me to show myself the love and patience you show me each day and gracefully walk the path you’ve set before me with my hand in Yours. Amen.
[…] before finding out I was pregnant!) But, I am learning how to listen to my body and embrace the sudden shift in priorities all while keeping some momentum toward the healthy lifestyle I want for myself and now for our […]