You guys! To say this kid already has the makings of a very distinct personality is saying the least, I assure you. I’m already getting a sense of baby’s preferences and mood and not-here-for-it-ness when the timing just isn’t right. Let me explain:
Last week Monday we went for our anatomy scan ultrasound which was supposed to confirm baby’s health and also give us a clue of whether we are expecting a girl or a boy. After getting some key advice from family members and doing a little extra research on how to get baby moving for the ultrasound, I downed some nice cold orange juice right before we went in. Apparently the sugar is supposed to get baby up and moving and cooperating so we can see all of his or her parts.
Well… Let me tell you this kid either has both of our stubborn streaks or otherwise just wasn’t feeling it on that rainy Monday afternoon (which I totally get – I’ve self-diagnosed with seasonal affect disorder… ultimate MEH!). So all we see is baby chillin’ comfortably laying on its back with arms and legs in every position other than where we needed them to be! Not even kidding, at one point we just see two little arms cross over baby’s face and then the swift turn around like Seriously, stop. Not. Today! All we could do was laugh! Of course, my sister said I shouldn’t have expected much else given my persistent lack of cooperation during photo shoots, even to this day. Touche.
Luckily, we were able to get another sneak peek on Thursday and, with the help of a sugar-rush induced by a lovely (decaf) pumpkin spice latte (maybe baby’s already partial to Starbucks over OJ?), we got full fetal cooperation. đ So later Thursday night Anthony and I opened the envelope together ANNNNNDDD……..
Somehow we managed to keep it a secret until the weekend when we broke the news to our family…
To say we are excited is, obviously, a terrible understatement. In that moment when we opened the envelope, everything just became so real! (PS: If you haven’t seen it yet, check out the video we posted to Instagram of us opening the envelope!) The flood of emotion and thoughts just rushed all into my heart and my brain… so who would think my first response would be, “I’m not ready… that’s scary”? I never did. What you didn’t see in the Instagram clip was the breakdown that followed. I’ll tell you why.
It’s not because I wanted a girl. It’s because the reality of everything that’s been going on across our country sunk in all at once and, quite frankly, something in me is terrified to raise a young Black man in this version of America we’re living in. Black boys and men as young as 12-year-old Tamir Rice are being killed in the streets. Regularly. With hardly any consequences. At all. So what are we supposed to tell our sons? Don’t play outside with anything that looks like a gun. Ok, that’s fair. But do I now have to make sure I tell him Don’t wear a hoody outside at night, in the rain? Or, Make sure you keep up with your car maintenance, because if you break down in the middle of the road or even have a broken tail light, you might not make it home alive. Will I really have to tell him the truth that, you can be as polite or compliant as the next person, but your complexion alone may deem you a “threat”?
I felt robbed. I felt like the social climate of our nation stole from me the joy of welcoming a little boy into our family. I know God protects and has not given us a spirit of fear, but my heart is truly heavy with the weight of the realization that this is what our America has become – and almost unapologetically so.
In spite of all of this, I refuse to live in fear or depression. That’s not the life God has called us to. I reclaimed my joy in that moment and am truly overwhelmed with excitement to meet this little guy. And of course, you already know Anthony is already planning two-a-days for what may be our future athlete.
At the same time, I know what I need to do. I pray for my husband everyday when he leaves the house, for more reasons than one; and I will undoubtedly do the same for our son. In fact, we started doing that when we first found out we were expecting a little one. I pray for America, too. I believe, as a nation, we can right our course; but not by our own wisdom or power. I think Ravens tight end Benjamin Watson put it best:
Only the Lord can change the heart of man so that he can administer justice, adhere to truth, and advocate for those who are different no matter their color. Only then can his eyes be opened to his own biases, prejudices, racism and lawlessness without blaming someone else.
– Benjamin Watson, Baltimore Ravens
The work we have to do is first to resubmit to God. Without humbly accepting His love, correction and direction, we’re sure to stay lost, blind, and hard-hearted.
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. – 2 Chronicles 7:14, KJV
Don’t lose heart. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose faith. Fear changes nothing. Anger, hatred and violence only make things worse. Pray, and let God lead you in being a positive influence for change, starting at home. Be confident in God and hope in what He is able to do in response to our prayers.