My 30th birthday ended with me crying on the floor in my closet.
Yup, you read that right. And they weren’t happy tears.
Yesterday I turned 30, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. But the weird thing was I didn’t know exactly what hit me.
I couldn’t articulate how I was feeling or why, which made me all the more distraught. The people who know me best kept asking me what was wrong, yet all I could say was “nothing” or “I don’t know.” This time, it wasn’t a deflection; it was the honest truth. There wasn’t anything I could put my finger on and say this is what’s wrong. This is what’s making me feel so… blah. This is why I’m trying to pretend to be happy through all the birthday festivities, but everyone’s seeing right through it.
I had no words to describe what I was feeling, other than just not myself, yet I was on the verge of tears at any given moment. Finally, after everyone trudged home in the snow and we put the kids to bed, I went upstairs to my room. I sat on the floor in the pitch darkness of my closet, and I cried.
What is wrong with me?!? I asked God. In the dark, sitting on my closet floor is where He and I have the best, most vulnerable yet productive conversations. Why do I feel like this?! What is it that I’m even feeling? Can you PLEASE tell me what’s wrong and help me fix it?!?!?So many questions. I don’t recall ever feeling so out of touch with myself. Ever. That’s when the words started coming.
Lost. I felt lost. I had no answers for all the “You’re 30, now what?” questions, just like I’d had no answers for the “What do you want to do for your birthday?” questions. What do I even like? What do I actually enjoy doing? Who even am I anymore?
They say it’s easy to lose yourself in marriage and in motherhood, and I think that it had been happening so subtly for so long that it took the 30 year milestone for it to really sink in. The last five years have been overflowing with blessings, but each one–marriage, first baby, new home, growing business, second baby–has demanded more of me. And, in an effort to be a good wife, mama and entrepreneur, I’ve resolved to do what it takes to make things work. I’ve deferred to everyone and everything else for so long that I don’t even know how to take care of myself anymore…certainly without the guilt of not doing more, or a mind racing with the ever-growing list of “just one more” thing I’ll do before I stop to do something for me.
Then God brought to mind three small words my best friend wrote in his happy birthday text to me: “You are enough.” It’s something I’ve struggled to believe my whole life, so you already know I cried reading that message. But here’s how God expounded on that as I sat in the silence of my dark, messy closet:
You are enough. I AM everything. When you try to be everything to everyone, you will be insufficient, as only I AM able to do that.
BOOM. Revelation.
Only God can be all things for all people. When we try to meet every set of expectations presented to us, we will undoubtedly exceed our calling and capacity.
Not coincidentally, my word for this year is PRIORITY. There are so many visions and dreams brewing in my heart, and I want to run with them all and make them all happen right now. It’s that ambition overdrive that both realizes my greatest achievements and leads me to burnout. At the same time, we have two little ones who need me right now. These formative years will shape who they become for the rest of their lives, and I have only this time to instill in them the values and priorities that I’m charged with teaching them–by example.
But, I asked God, how will we make everything work (financially) if I step away from actively growing my business now? I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing??
I was reminded of the prayer that I always pray when stepping into a new season or seeking new opportunities: “Lord, open the doors You want me to walk through, and close the ones that don’t lead to where You want me to be.”
Admittedly, it’s (at least in part) the fear of failure in me that inspired that prayer… I just didn’t don’t want to mess up. But my heart truly desires to do and be what God wants and serve His purpose, so I don’t want to be the one setting my own course. No matter, that prayer has helped me pause, pivot or proceed to get where He wants me to go, and I think now He’s doing a little course-correction again.
Do the work I bring to you, I felt Him say. It made complete sense, because recently opportunities have found me–ones I wouldn’t have known to ask for or had only dreamed of. I’ve spent the last year and a half laying the foundation for my business, getting it ready for growth and gain, which I believed would mean hit the ground running with marketing and pitches and going and doing as soon as maternity leave ended (that’s tomorrow, btw… God’s timing, I tell you!) But that’s not what I feel Him calling me to do.
Grow what you’ve got is my new mantra.
The work that I’ve done, the foundation that I’ve laid, it is enough. For now. The infrastructure is there, and the systems are in place. But instead of now pouring my hours and efforts into building my brand to attract more of the business I want, I believe I’m supposed to pour myself into building up what God has already given me and trust Him to take it from there.
So I suppose this post is just a long-winded story to ultimately say… this will be my last online appearance for awhile. The content plan will have to wait. And Instagram surely will, too. I’ll be logging off today and deleting my social apps so as not to distract me from my true priorities: seeking God first, loving my family second, and serving in my purpose third. It doesn’t take a blog or Instagram to do those things, and chronicling my efforts for these platforms just adds more stress and strain and sucks more time away from what I’m actually supposed to be doing. Go figure.
Since God is the giver of all my dreams and blessings, I’m choosing to trust Him with all of them. His timing is best and, though I loathe waiting for anything, I’m going to pause on the business building (at least according to how the world says it has to be done), pivot to focus my attention on growing what I’ve already been given, and proceed with the opportunities that God grants me. After all, walking through open doors is a whole lot easier than breaking walls down, right?
Maybe you can relate to some of this? If you can, I’m glad we’re in this together. I’ll be praying for you, and I’d sure appreciate your prayers, too. These transitions can be challenging, and we might not get every step right; but one thing my Mom always says is, “If you make a move believing in your heart that you’re following God, even if you don’t get it quite right, He’ll honor your intentions.”
Believing the best for us this year! With the proper priorities, we’re bound to prosper.